Welcome to Masters Week, the greatest excuse to ignore work emails, aggressively overanalyze wind direction, and pretend we all understand greens keeping because the broadcast says “sub-air system” 42 times. The green jackets are back. The pressure is heavier than Amen Corner during a collapse. And I’m here to rank this year’s contenders with absolutely no objectivity.

But first, let’s set the tone with a few essential Masters Week Sidebars – because this week isn’t just about birdies and bogeys. It’s about chaos, fashion, and accidental F-bombs.

Sidebar: Best-Dressed Battle – Jason Day vs. Ludvig Åberg

This is shaping up to be a fashion fight to the death. Ludvig’s bringing Swedish swagger and tailored everything. Jason Day is probably rolling in wearing some high-end European label none of us can afford. It’s giving “runway show at Augusta” energy. Someone please hand out Best Fit points.

Sidebar: Most Likely to Accidentally Swear on Live TV

This belongs entirely to JT and Rory. One will shank a wedge, mutter something spicy, and forget CBS is live. The other will burn another Sunday major and quietly say something only dogs can hear – and still get fined.

Sidebar: Most Likely to Accidentally Win

Taylor Pendrith. Book it. You’re going to look at the leaderboard Friday night and go, “Wait, how is Taylor Pendrith T2?” He’s the guy who does just enough to make the weekend weird and has “Canadian Masters Moment” written all over him.

Sidebar: Most Likely to Cry (Happy or Sad)

Rory McIlroy. There is no runner-up. If he wins, a lot of you are all crying with him. If he shoots 75 on Thursday, it’s a sad montage with Coldplay. The man is playing for emotional closure – and it’s terrifying.

Sidebar: Most Likely to Make a Hole-in-One

Lucas Glover. Don’t ask why. It just feels right. There’s always one guy who jars one on 16 with a half-hearted high-five and Glover has the exact blank stare you need for the job. He also has 5 hole-in-ones in his PGA career.

Now, let’s get to the Power Rankings. These are broken into five beautifully unhinged tiers based on vibes, gut instinct, and a wildly fluctuating relationship with objectivity.

TIER 1: “Would Bet My Rent Money (and Maybe Yours)”

Scottie Scheffler

The defending champ. Unstoppable ball-striking. Cold-blooded. He’s playing golf like he’s grinding a MyCareer record on 2K – boring but wildly efficient. The only guy who could four-putt and still win by 3.

Collin Morikawa

He’s flushing irons again and looks locked in. Doesn’t smile much. Doesn’t care. Feels like he’s due to add a green jacket to his clean, sponsor-approved resume. If Augusta plays firm, Collin wins by accident.

Joaquín Niemann

Absolutely tearing it up in LIV events and has all the tools to eat Augusta alive. The swing is silky. The confidence is peaking. It’s either a win or a full meltdown, no in-between.

Bryson DeChambeau

The redemption arc is fully in motion. Bryson has rebranded from golf’s chaos gremlin to weirdly likable gym nerd. If he putts even average and the course lets him bomb-n-gouge, we’re back in Par 67 territory.

TIER 2: “Feels Right, But I’ll Blame Them When They Blow It”

Rory McIlroy

All the storylines, all the scars, all the pressure. If he does it, it’ll be legendary. If he doesn’t, it’ll be exactly what we expected. I can’t believe in him, but I can’t help the inklings every year.

Ludvig Åberg

Youngin’, but he swings like he’s been here since 2003. The man was genetically engineered to win majors. He might be too young to understand pressure. And that makes him dangerous.

Hideki Matsuyama

Silently flushing his way into contention. Won’t say a word all week, but might casually be -10 on Sunday morning. If the putter shows up, Hideki might snag a second jacket like it’s a Costco sample.

Jon Rahm

He’s not the defending champ anymore – that’s Scottie’s gig – but Rahm still has fire. He’s been quieter since the LIV move, but his power and temper are Augusta-compatible. T6 energy if the putter cooperates.

Justin Thomas

JT’s got all the tools, but none of the recent results. But you know he’s going to start hot, and then we all hold our breath. He’s also the odds-on favorite to drop a very audible swear after a missed four-footer.

Viktor Hovland

Ball-striking? Chef’s kiss. Short game? Horror film. If he hits every green, we’re golden. If not, you might see him putt from 40 yards off the green. Still, this might finally be the week he gets over the hump.

TIER 3: “Dark Horses, Chaos, and Guys I Just Like”

Brooks Koepka

He’ll care this week. That’s the scary part. When Koepka flips the “locked in” switch, he’s top-5 material. And he loves majors like the rest of us love them.

Shane Lowry

Weather gets nasty? Lowry turns into a bulldog. The man could birdie 12 in a hurricane. Doesn’t get rattled. Always lurking.

Tommy Fleetwood

Still chasing his first PGA win, which is insane, but Augusta owes him one. If he rolls the rock, he’s going to be in the mix. And you know the hair will be flowing in slow motion the entire weekend.

Jordan Spieth

Absolute wildcard. Could win. Could shoot 79 and talk to himself for four hours on camera. Augusta loves him, and he loves Augusta, but it’s a VERY toxic relationship. Still, he’s must-watch TV.

Min Woo Lee

Swag. Speed. Zero fear. He’s the guy who hits driver off the deck from a fairway bunker and fist-pumps on hole three. Might go full Cam Smith mode and flirt with the top of the board.

Corey Conners

Steady and sneaky. Has low-key great history here. If the putter doesn’t betray him, he’ll be hanging around way longer than you expect.

TIER 4: “The Masters NPCs”

Xander Schauffele

The most consistent almost-winner in golf. Feels like a lock to finish T5. Will hit every fairway. Will make zero noise. Will vanish by Sunday afternoon. I’m not even taking him to come Top-15 but he will…

Tyrrell Hatton

So angry. So talented. Might be the funniest man to mic up during a meltdown. If he keeps his cool (unlikely), he could actually contend.

Patrick Cantlay

No personality. All game. Augusta doesn’t reward that combo. Feels like a high-end AI golfer. Could be T8, but you’ll never notice. I can never cheer for this guy sorry.

Sergio Garcia

Has one. Doesn’t need another. Just here to wear the green jacket again at the dinner and complain about something on camera. Or is he?

Will Zalatoris

Back from the dead. Ball-striking is still elite, but can his back (and putter) survive four days of Augusta? Probably not. But it’ll be fun watching him try.

Jason Day

If Augusta gave style points, he’d already have three green jackets. Game’s trending in the right direction, but his fashion’s in midseason form. Could T10. Could WD. That’s the Day experience.

TIER 5: “A Tradition Unlike Any Other: Me Being Wrong About These Guys”

Sepp Straka, Tony Finau, Russell Henley, Akshay Bhatia, Cam Smith, Wyndham Clark, Sungjae Im, Brian Harman, Justin Rose, Aaron Rai

This is your chaos soup. Half of these guys might miss the cut by Friday morning, the other half might lead for nine holes just to ruin your DraftKings lineup. I believe in none of them but all of them at the same time (except Wyndham). Which means one will absolutely win.

Tier Summary (For Easy Scanning, Because You’re Probably at Work)

TIER 1: “Would Bet My Rent Money (and Maybe Yours)”

Scottie Scheffler, Collin Morikawa, Joaquín Niemann, Bryson DeChambeau

TIER 2: “Feels Right, But I’ll Blame Them When They Blow It”

Rory McIlroy, Ludvig Åberg, Hideki Matsuyama, Jon Rahm, Justin Thomas, Viktor Hovland

TIER 3: “Dark Horses, Chaos, and Guys I Just Like”

Brooks Koepka, Shane Lowry, Tommy Fleetwood, Jordan Spieth, Min Woo Lee, Corey Conners

TIER 4: “The Masters NPCs”

Xander Schauffele, Tyrrell Hatton, Patrick Cantlay, Sergio Garcia, Will Zalatoris, Jason Day

TIER 5: “A Tradition Unlike Any Other: Me Being Wrong About These Guys”

Sepp Straka, Tony Finau, Russell Henley, Akshay Bhatia, Cam Smith, Wyndham Clark, Sungjae Im, Brian Harman, Justin Rose, Aaron Rai

Masters Week is here. Let chaos reign.

I’ll be back tomorrow with more nonsense. Let’s enjoy the calm before someone shoots 66 on Thursday and throws the whole thing into a blender.

-C